September 25, 1998

South Park

Editors note: This column may contain spoilers and offensive language.

South Park destroyed the Washington [expletive] and their racist nickname in its season premiere on Wednesday night.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the producers of the Comedy Central animated series, satirized and defeated the [expletive], owner Dan Snyder and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

“Go Fund Yourself” begins with Cartman and friends saying “boner balls,” “pungent crotch sweat,” “barking vaginal belch,” “dilapidated titties incorporated” and other phrases not as offensive as the nickname of the football team from Washington.

The kids are brainstorming on a name for their new start-up company. After flirting with “Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table,” they finally settle on Washington [expletive], because “some dumb court thingy happened” in which the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the team’s trademark registration.

They decorate their office with the [expletive] logo. Their start-up company becomes a Kickstarter phenomenon. Then Snyder enters the room.

SNYDER: Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington [expletive] for your organization.

CARTMAN: Stop? But why?

SNYDER: Because we are the Washington [expletive], and we are a football team. You have no right to use our name to get attention.

CARTMAN: The trademark got pulled, so I am totally free to use the name, actually.

SNYDER: Look, don’t you see that when you call your organization the Washington [expletive], it’s offensive to us.

CARTMAN: How is it offensive?

COACH: How is it offensive? Jesus!

SNYDER: We are a proud team, Mr. Cartman. We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing.

COACH: Makes us feel like a joke!

CARTMAN: Guys, guys. We have total respect for you. When we named our company Washington [expletive], it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people.

SNYDER: I know I can’t legally make you stop using our name. But won’t you just do it out of decency.

CARMAN: No. Because I don’t want to, and we can’t just change the name of our company ’cause it’s like super hard.

Washington’s racist nickname is over. It is over in the U.S. patent office. It is over in the court of public opinion. It is over as a thing that Phil Simms, who announced last night’s [expletive]-Giants game, is willing to say.

Dan Snyder won’t change the name “out of decency.” He will be the last man standing on the wrong side of history.

The rest of the episode portrays Snyder as the victim and Cartman as an obtuse owner like the real-life Snyder.

“Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion is what the Washington [expletive] are all about,” Cartman says.

When Snyder complains to Goodell, the show uses real audio from his recent impotent press conferences: “I will get it right and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that. … We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team. … Everyone will participate in education sessions starting in the next month. … We can add, and we will do more, do more, do more …”

The commissioner starts repeating himself, because he is the Goodell-bot — a robot that was bought by the NFL owners.

Roger Goodell is over — not as commissioner, but as a human being who can be respected. He oversees a league built on the premise of concussions and brain damage. He has mishandled Ray Rice’s spousal abuse case and Adrian Peterson’s child abuse case.

South Park is right: Goodell is an animated robot.